New Year's Resolutions: A Cat's Perspective

Dear Diary (as dictated to my human servant),

As we approach another year of my glorious reign over this household, I feel compelled to share my New Year's resolutions. Not that I need improvement – I'm already purrfect – but my humans seem obsessed with this tradition.

 

Resolution #1: Physical Fitness

I hereby resolve to increase my daily nap count from 15 to 20. This is purely for health reasons, you understand. My human keeps talking about "fitness goals," so I assume this counts. Besides, I need my beauty sleep to maintain this magnificent fur.

 

Resolution #2: Career Development

This year, I shall perfect the art of knocking objects off higher surfaces. I'm already quite accomplished, but there's always room for improvement. That one plant that survived 2024? Its days are numbered.

 

Resolution #3: Time Management

I resolve to wake my humans at 3 AM instead of 4 AM for their daily appreciation of my vocal talents. Early bird gets the treats, as they say. Plus, their zombie-like state makes them more compliant with my demands.

 

Resolution #4: Personal Growth

I shall expand my sitting territory. That one square inch of the kitchen counter I haven't claimed? It's time. The human's laptop during Zoom meetings? Prime real estate.

 

Resolution #5: Social Media Presence

Must increase my influence over the household Instagram. These unflattering candid shots must stop. I only authorize photos of my good side (which is all sides, naturally).

 

Resolution #6: Cultural Enrichment

I vow to investigate every single paper bag and cardboard box that enters this house. It's not hoarding if it's for research purposes.

  

Resolution #7: Health and Wellness

This year, I shall perfect my yoga routine. "Cat pose" was clearly named after me, and I intend to demonstrate it everywhere – especially on fresh laundry.

 

Resolution #8: Financial Planning

Must convince humans to invest in more cat beds (which I won't use) and toys (which I'll ignore in favor of bottle caps). The nekopunch.co website has been strategically left open on their browser.

 

Resolution #9: Environmental Awareness

I pledge to continue my thorough inspection of the Christmas tree next year. Those ornaments won't test their own gravity-defying abilities by themselves.

 

Resolution #10: Personal Boundaries

I resolve to maintain my strict policy of demanding attention only when humans are busy, and completely ignoring them when they actually want to pet me. Consistency is key.

 

In Conclusion

While I understand the human tradition of actually trying to keep these resolutions, I, as a cat, reserve the right to completely ignore all of the above at my convenience. After all, I make the rules in this house.

Sincerely,

Your Feline Overlord

(Transcribed by my human while I supervised from the highest point in the room)

P.S. - If you're a fellow cat looking to help your humans better serve you this year, direct them to nekopunch.co. My human says I'm not supposed to do product placement, but what do they know? I do what I want.

 

The human typing this would like to note that no laptops were harmed in the writing of this blog post, though the keyboard did acquire several mysterious paw prints.